And God said let there be Life, Love, & HOCKEY

I have a few primary sources; three diaries to be exact: My Confederate Girlhood The Memories of Kate Virginia Cox Logan edited by Lily Logan Morrill,  A Virginia Girl in the Civil War: Being a Record of the Actual Experiences of the Wife of a Confederate Officer collected by Marta Avary, and Diary of a Southern Refugee during the War by a Lady of Virginia by Judith McGuire. The one that I would like to focus most, if not all, of my attention on is the diary by Judith McGuire.

All three of the diaries provide great insight into the movement of women and the need to find employment to support their families during The War. The concerns of employment and movement tie all three women together, but each has her own unique story as well. One grew up running during The War, one followed her Confederate Officer husband through the South, and the last searched for employment with her husband in Richmond. For the purpose of my paper all three provide insight to their experiences during the war and how they handled the constant movement and need for an income.

I found that the first two diaries are more of a record, memory written diaries than hand written at the time of the war diaries like Mrs. McGuire’s is. What if the editors or collectors may have missed a piece of information or altered some part of the story in some way?   That being my first problem my second would be finding the information I need. The first two are ordered by context (making me more suspicions of the editors) but Judith McGuire’s is not it’s simply organized by month and year ranging from May 1861 to April 1865. Four years is a lot of material to cover when you’re looking for her economic ventures and movements across Virginia. All three diaries encompass from 1860 to at least 1865.

When researching the internet anything and everything can be “Googled” or “Binged” (which sounds a bit dirty) , but of the sources they provide you with, are any worth your time?

Does a site cite primary sources in a bibliography or an index? Is the site associated with a particular University or scholar? If given a book, is it fiction or non-fiction and does it include some primary source analysis? These are just a few important things that I look for when searching for a reliable source.

Though I have this source in book form now, initially I found this diary to be very helpful and great source because it’s part managed by The University of North Carolina of Chapel Hill and part of a documents collection that’s primarily about the American South. Perfect!

Another source i found here is a bad source because there is no creditability. The site is a .net site and not an .edu which is initially alarming. Then looking into it the primary sources have no primary source associated with it. There’s not way to trace where the site got their information.

Why am I a history major? I’m always asked that question and I always answer with a “I have no idea.” So why chose it? Because it’s really the only thing I’m good at. My love affair with history started in elementary school. I can remember skipping ahead in the Social Studies book to look at the pictures and read about more than was required. I always enjoyed my history classes and history teachers more than anyone else. 

I didn’t start out as a history major in college. I jumped between 4 different majors (biology, environmental science, geography, and art history) trying to find something that I liked that was also in demand. Last semester as a sophomore I was required to take a Western Civilization class and was reminded why I was meant to be a history major. I love the stories, seeing a change in the world over time, and being able to touch it with my own two fingers. I get tired of the constant reading and writing, but then I’ll visit Old Town Fredericksburg and it’s all worth it.

While on the subject of psychological disorders and my past depression, I’d like to continue onto therapy and the wonders it can work. Through the anxiety and depression I was feeling I knew something was wrong and had to do something about it. No way could I afford psychoanalysis session like those of Freud, so I sought out a therapist on campus because it was free and I felt like I had nowhere else to turn. Therapy has always been given a bad name and I’ve always felt that therapy was strictly for people that had something wrong with them. I didn’t want to believe that there was something wrong with me and that I couldn’t handle myself on my own, so for a few weeks I dealt with the anxiety and depression on my own, until I absolutely needed someone to talk to.

When I finally let myself go to therapy, I was so relieved with what I found. The type of therapy I was instructed to do was Cognitive Therapy. I didn’t have any behavioral problems like those that would be conditioned in Behavioral Therapy. I was taught more constructive ways of thinking like how to calm myself down slowly before panic attacks or when the anxiety would wash over me. I was sent home with homework once or twice, but was never told to pay attention to myself or my feelings. I believe that’s because I already knew what was bothering me, my roommate. The most effective part of therapy for me was learning how to think differently. I learned how to look at myself outside of myself and how to take care of myself first before anyone else. Instead of trying to please another I learned how I need to please myself before anyone else, to be selfish and worry about what I needed.

Other than learning how to look at myself differently and learning how to cope with the depression, my therapist suggested Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI) for me to take. She referred me to our campus medical center and they prescribed me Zoloft to help with the depression I was feeling. The doctor wanted to start me off slowly with a low dose until I started feeling the effects and then I would come back in a few weeks to see how I was doing. I filled the prescription but never took it. I decided against the drugs because I was worried that once I started taking them I would never be able to wean myself off of them.

Luckily for me after 4 months of talk therapy, leaving my roommate, and learning how to take care of myself better, the depression subsided. To this day I can still feel the depression lingering there on the edge of my conscious threatening to take over, but I know that I’m better than my Anygdala’s sad feelings. There’s so much to be happy about! After learning to take better care of myself I have found higher standards for what I want and what I need. Therapy may still get a bad rap for being strictly for people who NEED it and have serious issues, but I’ve found it very beneficial; simply having someone to talk to during those lows in life can be the best medicine in the world, I would recommend it to anyone.

The battle with depression is a long hard road and without admitting it many people go through it every day. Due to a roommate problem my freshman year (at another college) I dealt with depression for a long 4 months. I consider those few months the darkest of my life so far and thanks to unconscious defense mechanisms I have repressed most of it. But to bring it back up in relation to psychology, I now understand what I was going, the psychological disorders through a bit more.

I believe that I had a combination of generalized anxiety, panic, and major depressive disorder. I wonder now if being depressed is what caused the anxiety and panic attacks or the other way around. In being my freshman year at college I had a roommate that wouldn’t speak to me and didn’t respect any of my needs or wants. I believe that she was the reason for my anxiety and panic attacks to begin with, but then when I wasn’t around her I would still feet anxious. It was the most horrible feeling I’ve ever had in my entire life; like my body was on high alert every day all day long, my sympathetic system just was not shutting down at all for days at a time. I believe that my anxiety related to her became generalized anxiety. I wasn’t happy when I went home for the weekend and I wasn’t happy around my friends because I was always dreading going back to her. I don’t believe that I had panic disorder, but I was having panic attacks from time to time. I wasn’t able to sleep or eat anymore and would literally go 4 days on a few hours of sleep and a few small meals. Even without eating I would feel nausea all the time. Like my stomach was always upset and there was no way to stop it. The only way I survived that semester was to come home every weekend, sleep and eat all weekend long before I went back.  

Along with the anxiety I began feeling depressed and sad about everything because I felt like the anxiety would never end so there was no hope for me. Of the four symptom classes of Major Depressive Disorder I felt every single one. Cognitive- I had negative thoughts every day all day on everything, even the smallest things like “I need paper towels from the store. I bet they won’t have them.” Affect- I felt sad all the time, like there was no happiness in the world, not even my boyfriend of 3 years was making me happy. Behavioral- I stopped doing the things that I loved such as sports, photography, singing and my family. I couldn’t find anything to keep my mind occupied that would make me happy. I stopped following the Capitals and the Redskins, the two things that had always kept me happy and interested. Somatic- I thought that the insomnia, loss of appetite and nausea was due to the anxiety and panic attack, but now I believe that they were all intertwined.

Those four months of my life may be the worst of my life so far but they also taught me more about myself than ever before. I grew up from those trials and tribulations. I learned how much I can take in life and that I can still bounce back from it with flying colors. Through all of that pain I still made A’s and one B in all of my classes, made Dean’s list, and was able to work on transferring to UMW, on my own. Through this may have been the worst time of my life it was also the most beneficial as to finding out who I am and what I can do. I see it as something positive now and have no problem retelling it for others to learn from.

Yesterday was my birthday (YAY!) and being dead serious, I wanted a turtle as a present. Specifically a Russian Tortoise who I would name Vladimir. Yes I have it planned out, but sadly I didn’t get one, instead I got an Ovechkin jersey a fair trade I believe. Coincidence enough as I was driving to school yesterday morning there was a turtle in the road. The first turtle I’ve seen this year! And on my birthday! Immediately I slowed down (skidded) and parked on (blocked) a side road. I checked both ways before crossing the road, which I doubt the little turtle did and went to get him. I picked him up and placed him on the other side of the road where he was crawling to. He was the most adorable little guy, a red box turtle and I REALLY wanted to keep him for myself but of course I’m on my way to school and I doubt you, professor, would appreciate a box turtle crawling around your room while you lectured even though it was my birthday and should have let it slide.

Anyway, how is me saving this cute little turtle relevant to psychology at all? Well after my morning of rescuing little animals from certain death by truckers and mean drivers, I made it to class on time and at the very end of class we spoke of Helping Behaviors, which I just did with Mr. Turtlekins, yes I named him. Looking back on it, without knowing what I was doing I went through all four steps that must happen for help to happen. First I noticed Mr. Turtlekins crossing the road specifically sitting in the middle of the road. Second I interpreted that he needed help to make it across to the other side of the road so that he wouldn’t be hurt. Third I took responsibility to help Mr. Turtlekins because no one else was a around and the people that he passed him in front of me obviously didn’t care enough to stop. Finally I decided how to help the turtle by stopping to save him, even if that meant I couldn’t keep him.

I believe the kind of help that I offered to Mr. Turtlekins was in the benevolence category because I was giving help to something that wouldn’t give me any kind of physical reward back, but would give me an internal reward; that being happiness and pride that I helped someone that couldn’t help themselves. As well as helping the turtle I noticed something else, why had no one else helped him? It’s a helpless turtle that if not helped would surely be killed if not helped out of the middle of the road. I learned that this is called the Bystander Effect where more people means less help because people assume that others will help. Poor turtle, if not for me he wouldn’t have made it and I feel better for doing my good deed for the day!

Besides knowing how to breath there is nothing that comes to us without being taught. That would be called learning and most likely through classical conditioning. People say that things come natural, and I’m sure that is true to an extent, but I highly doubt that Alexander Ovechkin came out Mom skating and shooting pucks like nobody’s business; or any hockey player for that matter including Sid the Kid, even though Canadians want to believe that he’s the next Gretzky (he isn’t and never will be).

There are many types of learning, the most common being classical conditioning. For example, I doubt that I learned to sing in one fell swoop of a practice session. To sing at the level I sing now took eleven years of practice through classical conditioning. Acquisition: if a written note on a measure is a G you sing a G; this being a learned association between a neutral object of the written note and the response to sing said tone. One day I may forget what a G sounds like because of the extinction effect, by not singing for a few years, but I like to think that after singing for half of my life I will remember it easily and spontaneous recovery may occur. A specific note in music cannot be generalized, there is only discrimination, and so that when you hear that certain note you only sing that certain tone.

Another type of learning would be observational learning, which we do without even noticing most of the time. I am more than positive that all of the notes and tone’s associated in music came from observing someone else (my director) sing them first and mimic their tone. Without realizing it I would have to have used Albert Vandora’s four steps to mimic the note. Pay attention to my director’s tone, retain what tone I had heard, reproduce the tone, and then the motivation to sing it back to her so that I may learn it. Amazing what one can realize when things are taken apart, I would have never thought that I went through so many steps to learn a single note-tone relationship.

I watched the World Cup of course (¡¡¡VAMOS ESPAÑA!!!) being the sports fanatic I am and during one commercial break I saw this as an Ad for the Cisco Human Network: Around The World – Cisco Ad Instantly I thought “That’s observational learning right there!” By watching a video of a person performing the “Around the World” soccer move, people were able to reenact it. By finding the video, paying attention to it, retaining how the player performed the move, reproducing it and having the motivation to try multiple groups were able to learn the move. Simply spectacular what one sport/move can do, bring many people together to try such a move, it’s why I love sports like I do. Through learning, sports and everything else in the world is the only way to achieve such feats.

As I was scanning the TV channels this morning, avoiding doing any kind of homework, I came across a show on VH1 called The OCD Project. We’ve been speaking of Psychological Disorders such as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I thought what the heck I’ll check it out.

As I was watching I began to wonder if this was just going to be another reality show or if this was going to be a legitimate representation to the problems that people with OCD have. So I watched one episode and I am hooked.

We spoke of how society throws the word OCD around loosely and I’ll admit I’m guilty of that, but these people have legitimate OCD. I thought my crazy organizational, things must be symmetrical self, was OCD to an extent but I never once thought that if I didn’t arrange my bookshelves by height that my mother would die. Chasing something that is totally irrational is what OCD is all about and I can’t think of ever doing that. I doubt keeping my books arranged by height and subject matter is irrational, it helps me get to whatever book I want faster. I see no problem in that and I’ve never thought of it as a compulsion. Books can sit up organized and put away for weeks, without me ever thinking twice about it or that it might bring about something bad because I haven’t put them away right.

I can understand the obsessive part of OCD, because we all have obsessions. I cannot function in my room if it’s messy. Before any homework gets done, I have to clean up things or I can’t think straight. Some people obsess over what they’re going to eat because they have certain preferences, personally I think they’re just pick, but that neither of these examples are compulsions. A compulsion would be one having to eat their food in a certain order or having to clean your room in a certain way and only in that way.

People with OCD also add anxiety and a reason to things. Why they are obsessed and must perform a certain compulsion. They doubt themselves and believed that they must perform certain behaviors to prevent bad outcomes. Such aspects of OCD I find very relatable to Operant Learning. These behaviors that they “must” perform are realized through acquisition, shaping, and the addition of positive reinforcement so that the behavior and compulsions continue.

Here’s a video of Doctor Tolin explaining what OCD is:

What is OCD? Dr. Tolin Explains.

As we spoke of the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo I couldn’t help but come up with the example of a relationship. We’ve all been in those relationships where your mind is fighting with what your heart wants, have we not? Well I think that is the perfect example of the Id vs. the SuperEgo.

I can see it now: Ladies and Gentlemen! Here in the left corner weighting in at 160lbs it’s the Id! And in the right corner weighing in at 220lbs the SuperEgo! Now please welcome our referee for tonight’s match: the Ego! *Ding Ding Ding* As I have experience in this field, I see the Id as my heart wanting one thing and my head as the SuperEgo who knows what’s really true. For example the Id would say: “I want him! I want him! I want him!” the SuperEgo would say: “No, you can’t have him because he’s a bad boy and you’re father will not approve.” The two are going into battle, but then the Ego steps in with a ‘penalty’ call and decides “you can have him, but you don’t tell your father, and it isn’t going to last anyway.” I wish there wasn’t such torment that went on with these situations. Why can we not just chose one side and be happy? Why can’t Id kick SuperEgo’s butt and Ego just let things happen without a care as to the outcome of SuperEgo’s trip to the hospital (sorry if that got a bit violent)?

On another note, we spoke of Freud believing that are personality, who we are, is based on the Id, Ego, and SuperEgo being part of our unconscious. I don’t buy that. I have felt that internal torment of the Id vs. the SuperEgo and the Ego trying to find a compromise. I believe it begins unconsciously, but once one it’s begun you can feel it. Maybe not initially, but eventually that fighting makes itself known. I guess that’s why we have defense mechanisms, so we can say: “oh no, Mr. Bad Boy was never right for me anyway” when you knew that you did like him at one point or another. Instead of letting the pain flood and take over, your unconscious automatically covers it up for you in one of those seven ways we spoke up; with repression and rationalization being the most used of those seven. But we all have lapses, where that wall may fall and we experience regression.

Creepy Picture right? Reminds me of The Ring a bit. *Shiver* 

I am very proud of my vision, so when we spoke about it I was very intrigued. Of my whole family I am the only one without glasses or contacts. My brother didn’t until he was 11 and I believe that was because of his constant video game playing. I wonder what ruins our eyes. I know the old age does, but young children who play video games & spend too much time in front of the TV is that what ruins their eyes? And how? The brightness? Today in class we learned that our eyes have no adapted to the artificial light that we’ve created. Is that the same concept as the TV? The light is so bright that it’s burning our retinas or lens (something along those lines)? Or could it be the constant movement that your eyes are following and that straining them? I like to give my eyes as much of a rest as I can, when I can, from technology. Being a college student in 2010 I’m always looking at a computer screen checking email, writing papers, or a even a book (being a history major, that starts to strain my eyes too), I try to take weekends off from most all technology. Maybe that is how I’m saving my eyes.

I found it most interesting to learn all of the pieces of our eyes and the things they do without us ever knowing. Like how our Iris is an actual muscle, not just a pretty color and how it is what moves our pupil open and closed so quickly. The rods and cones that control what colors we see and how quickly we see those, I find that really neat. I think of them as little worms and bugs in the eye. I know! That sounds gross, but when we spoke of Rods, I thought of Roundworms for some reason. So I see them as million of little bugs that float around our eyes that helps sort out the colors and blacks that we see. I find it interesting that as humans we still aren’t adapted to our lives. Such as the Rods or Roundworms, they take awhile to adjust to the darkness so that we can see black, white and gray, but if we know some color our brain automatically compensates for it. It’s these small things like thinking, consciousness, and our general anatomy I have learned that I’ve never noticed!